Goodbye.

funny how things turn out in life.

I've lost all faith in you. as a person. You really surprised me this time but at least I'm seeing the real you now and not later

Good luck to everything you do for the rest of your life. I'm sure it'll be grand.
I'll miss you but I'll make sure it doesn't last any longer then a month.

Goodbye Chris.

1 year

1 year ago...

we woke up an hour earlier then we needed to, walked for 2 blocks to a starbucks.
slightly nervous and awkward conversations because we liked each other.

that night, we snuck into the school football field and laid there watching stars, rolled around, and chased each other. we were carefree with no worries.

we stayed up all night (almost) talking and falling asleep sitting next to each other.
you stood behind me with your arms around me breathing into my neck

i still dream of that night. all the time.

I have to be honest... not getting a reply tonight really broke my heart.
There is so much going on and I am just so overwhelmed...
Definitely needing someone to help me relief some stress. actually, I just need you right now.
I need my best friend back so I can call him for 5 minutes and tell him how hard of a time I'm having
how I can't stop the stupid tears from coming out of my eyes as I type...
I'm trying my hardest to stay sane and well maintained.
But I am so close... so close to the edge and I don't know how much longer I will last.
sleeping has been extremely difficult with all sorts of nightmares .. with your face in them

you said that you don't want to lose me.
I want to be mad at your stubbornness. I want to just forget everything and move on...
but no matter how hard i try, I just can't leave.
I'm mad at myself for acting like this.
I hate crying by myself in my room
"what the hell am I doing? there he is, probably enjoying living with me out of the picture and here I am being a dumbass hoping that he'll look at me again"
I'm trying to not sound or feel desperate or devastated. But it seems to be impossible at the moment.
and I hate this feeling. I hate how it makes my stomach churn. I hate how it takes away everything that I have built up for myself.
I suppose at least next time I'll know not to let them in too deep

the days...

I didn't want to ever post anything on here again until this "thing" was over..
I'm not exactly sure where to start, I just know that I need to let it out.. so I can feel better.
There is a million things crossing my mind right now. and off the very top is me questioning "maybe this is my cue, it's time to take my final bow..."
all the memories I have shared with you all came at me, so quickly that I can barely register.. or breathe. I see the fun times we've shared.. I see sporadic pictures from all of our adventures from last summer.. I see the times when we cried in each others' arms. I see the times when I tried to be there for you on different occasions. I see the bad times we've had. I see us loving each other.. and finally, this montage ends with a slow-motion of me crying and you walking away.
I've given it all I have to refrain from texting you..
why? because I know that if you wanted to talk to me, you would've talked to me. But evidently, it's not something that you're doing. I heard and have seen that you're doing well and happy. I'm really glad. and at the same time, I can't help but be slightly jealous. Perhaps you just can't be happy with me. And in that case, it is my job to know when to leave because it is simply not creating happiness for you.. and it kills me. I've cried myself to sleep everyday so far. and it's been more then 2 weeks. you always say that you just wanted some time and that it's only been a few days.. look back and really look. it's been more then 2 weeks. it may not seem or feel like a long time because you've been preoccupied and in so many fun places. but me? I've rotated between working, practicing, eating, sleeping, sitting, and thinking. Let me just say that it is impossible for me to stop feeling like shit. and that's with me really trying. I'm not sure what to do at this point. maybe if i don't talk to you long enough I'll eventually be fine. or maybe not. I've decided to do whatever would make me happy. and it's talking to you. but that's really not an option for me right now, so we'll just move right along. 2.5 days felt like the longest time. I successfully occupied myself with catching up with Hector and had an extended conversation regarding why we all need someone or a group of people around because we're group oriented animals. And that to balance out the pressure and stress we manage to handle in life, the role of comfort is necessary.
And I honestly don't have an exact clue of what's going on. I miss you. that i am sure of. the rest is just a blur. I do want you to come back to me... and I don't know why we are going through this but as the days go by, I am only growing more doubtful and with more fear.

when the sun goes down...

isn't there a song that goes "the sun comes up... blah blah ... i'll never be the same..blah blah"


I suppose this has become one of my personal blogs... except it's the only one where I can spill my feelings out because no one reads this one..

every text message and phone call I receive... a little part of me hopes "maybe it's Chris" or "maybe he's finally thought of me"

nope. boy is being disappointed toxic.

question of the day: "trying to not exchange words with the person that I love... is that me trying to be strong? or am I just hurting myself."
it's not easy (and that's definitely an understatement). perhaps it's time for me to accept and move on?

we'll see. This feeling is familiar and I am anticipating.
But there are always so many questions. I guess I'll find out later...

for now, I will live my life with him living in a little space deep in my heart and behind my brain.

no title.

It's simple. I miss you.

I've had to exert all my energy to refrain myself from telling you that.
you left without saying good bye.
I hope you're enjoying your time with your family.
Facebook notifies me with your mom's postings. at least you look happy, it makes me less worried.

I've been waking up from my own hysterical cries in my dreams.
now I have bags under my eyes. ew (:p)

I miss you. so freakin' much.

that is all.

us

This... is us.

wonder

I miss him. So dearly.
after our conversation yesterday, it didn't get any easier.

once again, I cried like a little baby for way too long, by myself, in bed.
I cried for so long when I stopped, I had to think about why I started crying in the first place.

He makes me happy. His existence makes me happy. "us" makes me happy.
Knowing that we are okay has always brought me comfort and a sense of calm.
A part of me is angry and confused. Why is this happening?
and maybe we will never figure that one out... but that's okay, because we all change
we change when our surroundings change. We learn to adapt, but sometimes, we experience frustration prior to adapting because we are so eager and uncomfortable with where we are.

Deep down, I know we will be okay. But everything feels unstable like I might fall off any second. Our brief conversation today brought me a little peace. I miss him. I miss having everything in its right place and enjoy happiness with him. living my life with him in it.

When I woke up this morning, all I felt was my dried tears on my cheeks and a thought
"I should just forget about it. all of it"
but I can never do that.

Going on a trip will be beneficial, I hope.
I sincerely hope that it will bring him peace and relaxation. Part of my sadness comes from knowing that he's also going through a hard time.

stronger... ?

last night, I gave in... maybe watching an emotional movie before going to bed is not an appropriate choice of activity for me right now...

yes, it's silly and childish... but I can't lose. I guess so far, I have been losing.

waking up and falling asleep are the hardest times of the day for me.
waking up from a series of dreams with Chris in them... I often have to double check to make sure that it wasn't real. because oh how I would love for that to be real.
falling asleep is almost like making a conscious decision to enter my dreams.
They're always lovely and full of surprises... the things that our brains can do...

still praying...


When you're dreaming with a broken heart 
The waking up is the hardest part 
You roll outta bed and down on your knees 
And for the moment you can hardly breathe 
Wondering was she really here? 
Is she standing in my room? 
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... 


there's a little voice that talks over my dreams everyday. I'm heart broken.
maybe, i'm pretending to be strong...
"you think if he actually loves you as much as he said, he'd be doing this right now? something completely selfish and only putting himself in the equation? all he cares about is being successful, but without you in it. wake up"

still on the journey

I read the first blog post.
"this is our journey"
yep, you bet it is. No matter what is going on... this is still OUR journey...

I woke up this morning, stared at the ceiling and realized that I am by myself, yet again.
ever wondered what it feels like to be thrown away? I have, and I guess this is what it feels like.
being "dumped" is always a bad feeling, only because you feel like you've been rejected and someone disapproves who you are and just doesn't want you anymore.
whenever I think about it, I see an image of a teddy bear, thrown to the side of the curb, in the rain. sad.

I can't stop wondering the effect I must have had on our relationship. what did I do, so bad, that he wants to be away from me in order to get things done. I had a conversation with Jeremy yesterday about how people often take things personally when they should just let things go. but this act of taking things personally derives from fear. i'm trying my hardest to not take thing personally and turn this into a game of holding grudges and hatred. i would like to think that this isn't one of those... i'm simply, again, supporting Chris and helping him in being better and making things happen. sometimes i get this feeling that I look up to him. sometimes I'm jealous of his wittiness and the potential that he has. He can make things happen and do anything his heart desires. Thinking about this, i guess it's hard not to put an equation on the situation... he perhaps does not desire me as much as I thought he did...
He has always had the final card.. this is the second time he has used it and I can't help but think that I'm just not the one he loves or wants and maybe he just doesn't know how to say it in a polite way. maybe i'm the slow one who's not getting the hint.

I'm a mess in my head and outside of my head. so many thoughts flying through my mind at 100 mph.  I want to quickly leave this feeling, but the feeling of unwanted may be here to stay...
they say "be mad. if he doesn't want you anymore, then don't let him know that you want him back because he didn't appreciate you in the first place"
I tell them that they don't understand. but how much do I actually understand about our situation?

I'm finding myself being sad all the time. I have no self motivation for anything. I know what I should be doing but I can barely get myself out of bed. yeah, I sound like a girl from some chick-flick. lame.

I cried myself to sleep last night, only too find my phone screen covered in tear stains this morning. And I wondered... why do I still want him? why am I sticking around? (you could call it waiting i suppose) because I love him. that's it. because at one point in our relationship, quite recently actually, I thought "this is it." how stupid of me eh?
I guess the reason why I'm still "waiting" is because of that little bitty sense of hope that I still have... hoping that we will, again, become something more then friends. something we both want.
[yes, the thought of it also makes me feel very pathetic.]
and I wonder, God, what kind of shitty plan is this!? jokes. but I do sincerely hope that we can both be better from this. and that we will come out of it together. Because I can't afford to lose him.

for now, I feel like dog poopoo.

Christopher, I hope you get a chance to read this. I still love you, so so much. I'd much rather hate you, at least i'd feel a little better for a few seconds... but I don't. I want what's best for you. I just really really really hope that in the end of all of this, I can still be your baby and you can still be mine.
trust that we can still succeed with each other in our arms.
trust that I am a big girl
trust that you have so much potential and you will succeed
trust that we ARE good for each other
trust that we are much stronger when we are together
trust that we, too, can have a happy ending
trust that our love will never fail
that's all I ask of you, to trust.

Fog

Sometimes, we are blinded by what's put right in front of our eyes

We get so caught up in a whirlwind of things that push our buttons

they skew our visions. The visions we both had for us.

"us" is still something purely amazing. It never changed. It didn't betray us.

We simply have yet to look through the fog.

and we will.

deep down, under all the dirt, there is still faith. a lot of it.

we ARE above this. we are better then this.

a part of me is doubtful and scared. naturally, we want to protect ourselves, especially when we've made ourselves vulnerable.

The importance is knowing that we are both vulnerable. That's also the beauty of this; we're in this together. We've entered a whole new world that only belongs to us and we will continue to build upon it, together.


baby, i love you so much
yes, this is a rough time for the both of us
I'm sorry for the hard times i've put you through
We still want this. badly.
let us continue to work towards it together.
I am still here for you and for us.
I will support you completely, still.
communication is key.
we can definitely do this.
we're too smart for this to ruin something amazing we have.

tears of bliss

Reading through Chris' blog posts always makes me tear up... like a little baby.
I am nothing but grateful to have him in my life. It's something that I've had to get used to - a truly caring boyfriend who spoils me and babies me. He makes me feel like everything that I've dreamt of being- a beloved girlfriend, a lady, a princes, and a woman. I want to be his support like he is mine.  I've grown tremendously along side our relationship; something that I never would thought happen. It is such an incredible feeling knowing that someone will hold me no matter what. It's more then comforting, in the end of the day, to know that no matter what happens, we will still be standing, stronger then ever. I have so much faith and trust in us, it's pure bliss. 


The upcoming days will be hard. And it only gets harder from here. 
All I dream of every night is having him back in my arms/being back in his. 
I would be lying if I said there isn't a bit of anxiousness, nervousness, and loneliness... but I know it's just a small obstacle that I have to work through, and I know I will. 

Think

It's staggering how many times I catch myself thinking of her in the little things. Listening to a song. Eating fruit snacks. Reading a book. Laughing. Sleeping. So many things. It's a blessing and a curse. Thinking of her makes everything okay, but knowing she's so far away makes me miss her more. Yet, I can't help but yearn to think about her more. It's as if I'm home; as if the good outweighs any distance or barriers. I knew I loved her very much, but I didn't know I loved her this much.

I'll be thinking of you, love.

Our Song

This is ours. No one else's. No matter what anyone else says.

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones.
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it's no ones fault, no it's not my fault.
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see.
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz it's you and me together,
and baby all we've got is time.
So hold on to me,
hold on to me tonight.

There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.
Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright.
Hold on to me tonight.

They always say, we were the lucky ones.

Home

I'm home. But not really. I feel like my home is in my love's arms. I'm serious. I always feel like something just isn't right unless she's there. I miss you my love. So much.

In the meantime...I'm gonna be hanging out in Hawaii. Trying to figure out what I'm going to be doing. I have no idea now. It's been a whirlwind or a summer so far. Joy has been there for me every step of the way...being the most supportive girlfriend ever. I couldn't ask for better.

I've been having dreams of us lately. Waking up from them are always hard. I never want them to end.

I miss her everything. But I know it's gonna be okay. I know if anyone can do it, we can. We always find a way, and we always make it work. Because we're just that good. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say that, but I'm gonna say it anyway. If anyone can do it, we can. I'm not just saying that. I know we can. It's just gonna be pretty hard. Pretty darn hard. If we love each other as much as I think, we'll be fine. I know. I love you joy. So so much.

best days

yesterday wasn't exactly one of the "best days" we've had...
but again, there wouldn't be any best days if there weren't any "eh" days...

baby,
I want you to know that you mean the world to me and the last thing I have in mind is to hurt your feelings. And I'm sorry if I did. I was selfish and only thought about myself and what I was doing instead of how it would make you feel regardless of how I feel.

I was very worried and nervous for you yesterday (at the Stanford show). I wanted to be there for you because it must have been pretty difficult.. and it makes me feel 10x better knowing that your family is there with you. I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am... picking yourself back up and making the decision to handle this better then anyone ever will. Just know that you don't have to be tough all the time. You don't have to be a horse all the time ;) I'm here. If you need someone to talk to about anything, I'm here. In fact, it's actually preferred that you share your thoughts and feelings with me... no pressure though. ;)

I had a fatty dream last night. It was like a short movie of us and all the things that we've done together. I was so happy to be able to be in your arms and have you in mine. Now I really hope that you'll be back in July because this is getting harder and harder every day...

I love you dear. Alway.

Nostalgia

 

A Disneyland date is demanded! 

I miss our long/short dates at disneyland.. especially the last minute spontaneous ones...

remember that one time when we decided to do all the things that we normally don't do in disneyland like learning how to draw, bug's life, Aladdin... that was such a nice trip just exploring with you.

come back to me so we can go again! 

please?

went into the shower this morning and thought about why the beginning of a relationship will always be "perfect" in our mind. We are able to see directly through the bad times and focus solely on the good and subconsciously make the decision and perhaps label that part of our memory something good.

Or maybe it was much better then the rest because it is our nature to give it all we got when the goal is so ideal and desired.  

So are all relationships destined to head downhill once that puppy-love stage is over because in our mind, we've "got" what we wanted? yes, we all continue to put in effort into the relationship, but do we let things slip and settle for being "okay"?

Perhaps our goal should be learning with one another to extend the life to the relationship and, with a combined effort, sustain a line instead of a curve. 

baby, I love you, so so much. And I want this so bad, for the both of us <3

p.s. i made blueberry pancakes this morning. Thought of you while making them :)

Our conversation

We love each other btw

CB&J... like PB&J

I must say, I'm pretty impressed with myself...
"CB&J"... we're like..."PB&J" (ha, get it?? ;) )
*patting shoulders*
just kidding. ha.ha.
[yeah man, it's our blog. don't nobody be jealous of our blog!]

I, Joy Liu, hereby declare my love for Christopher Kekaniokalani Tsuruo Bright. Let this blog be the witness.

My dearest Christopher,
reading the previous post from you has successfully made me look like a retard smiling at the screen like there's no tomorrow.
but i love it.
you've never failed to make me smile with your cleverness/cheesy-ness (that's my favorite)

I have missed you so much since we walked towards opposite directions at the Oakland Airport. I have found myself, completely unaware, looking through our pictures from this past week and your lovely text messages. I have found myself, suffering from severe nostalgia, going down our memory lane and day-dreaming during a meal. (and that says a lot, because i love my food, i don't mess around with my food time...) Sometimes I honestly think i would go crazy because I miss you and us so much. But hey, I'm already crazy... so crazy about you. ;)

I have to be honest for a second here, when I first stood in front of you during your bad haircut... I did not imagine our relationship to turn out this way (I mean.. yes i thought you were cute and all). But the craziest part is how we have developed through the past almost a year. We became best friends, family, lovers, and all others. You are the perfect one for me. You are the one I want to share everything with. You mean the world to me and I am falling head over heels for you like a little girl. We've definitely had our fair share of up and downs and I am sure that we're only just at the tip of the iceberg. But words cannot express how I feel right now, I am so ready for everything. I'm ready to cry my eyes out for and with you. I'm ready to giggle like a girl. I'm ready to laugh with you like the happiest person on Earth. I'm so ready for this crazy ride. We're ready.

This one is by far my favorite :)

It's gonna be our thing. SF trips=hot chocolate time!

hello, my cutie boyfriend...

We are proud to be poor-homeless-college-students

love love love. p.s. really cute hair

no more public transportation stress...

we. are. so. attractive.

Flying up north was the best decision of my life. I do not regret one bit of it. from the tears shed, the hugs we shared, the good times we had and our poor-homeless-college-students adventures. I would not change any of it. It was perfect. I felt a much deeper connection with you through the rough patch and I realized that I want to be there for you, 200%. Because I will be the first one to cry when you're sad and I will be the first one to throw a party when you're happy. You can always count on my shoulder to be there when you need it and I will be supportive of you no matter what. I'm your number one fan. always. and I love you wholeheartedly.

Chapter 1

My name is Christopher Bright and I am madly in love with Joy Liu. This is our blog. This is us. Our pictures, our stories, our writings to each other, anything and everything us. This is going to be our journey together.

Joy, you are my love. I am so amazingly grateful that you are in my life. I can't tell you how many times I think about you everyday. It's coming up on a year now that we have been together. It's funny because it seems like it's only been 6 months. I want to spend forever with you!

I'm in my hotel right now, on a semi-vacation with my family. I wish that my baby didn't have to leave me to go home several days ago. It's been hard without her. This will probably help a little though.

I love you like I love you Joy!

These are some of the pictures of our adventures this past weekend.