the days...

I didn't want to ever post anything on here again until this "thing" was over..
I'm not exactly sure where to start, I just know that I need to let it out.. so I can feel better.
There is a million things crossing my mind right now. and off the very top is me questioning "maybe this is my cue, it's time to take my final bow..."
all the memories I have shared with you all came at me, so quickly that I can barely register.. or breathe. I see the fun times we've shared.. I see sporadic pictures from all of our adventures from last summer.. I see the times when we cried in each others' arms. I see the times when I tried to be there for you on different occasions. I see the bad times we've had. I see us loving each other.. and finally, this montage ends with a slow-motion of me crying and you walking away.
I've given it all I have to refrain from texting you..
why? because I know that if you wanted to talk to me, you would've talked to me. But evidently, it's not something that you're doing. I heard and have seen that you're doing well and happy. I'm really glad. and at the same time, I can't help but be slightly jealous. Perhaps you just can't be happy with me. And in that case, it is my job to know when to leave because it is simply not creating happiness for you.. and it kills me. I've cried myself to sleep everyday so far. and it's been more then 2 weeks. you always say that you just wanted some time and that it's only been a few days.. look back and really look. it's been more then 2 weeks. it may not seem or feel like a long time because you've been preoccupied and in so many fun places. but me? I've rotated between working, practicing, eating, sleeping, sitting, and thinking. Let me just say that it is impossible for me to stop feeling like shit. and that's with me really trying. I'm not sure what to do at this point. maybe if i don't talk to you long enough I'll eventually be fine. or maybe not. I've decided to do whatever would make me happy. and it's talking to you. but that's really not an option for me right now, so we'll just move right along. 2.5 days felt like the longest time. I successfully occupied myself with catching up with Hector and had an extended conversation regarding why we all need someone or a group of people around because we're group oriented animals. And that to balance out the pressure and stress we manage to handle in life, the role of comfort is necessary.
And I honestly don't have an exact clue of what's going on. I miss you. that i am sure of. the rest is just a blur. I do want you to come back to me... and I don't know why we are going through this but as the days go by, I am only growing more doubtful and with more fear.