wonder

I miss him. So dearly.
after our conversation yesterday, it didn't get any easier.

once again, I cried like a little baby for way too long, by myself, in bed.
I cried for so long when I stopped, I had to think about why I started crying in the first place.

He makes me happy. His existence makes me happy. "us" makes me happy.
Knowing that we are okay has always brought me comfort and a sense of calm.
A part of me is angry and confused. Why is this happening?
and maybe we will never figure that one out... but that's okay, because we all change
we change when our surroundings change. We learn to adapt, but sometimes, we experience frustration prior to adapting because we are so eager and uncomfortable with where we are.

Deep down, I know we will be okay. But everything feels unstable like I might fall off any second. Our brief conversation today brought me a little peace. I miss him. I miss having everything in its right place and enjoy happiness with him. living my life with him in it.

When I woke up this morning, all I felt was my dried tears on my cheeks and a thought
"I should just forget about it. all of it"
but I can never do that.

Going on a trip will be beneficial, I hope.
I sincerely hope that it will bring him peace and relaxation. Part of my sadness comes from knowing that he's also going through a hard time.