still on the journey

I read the first blog post.
"this is our journey"
yep, you bet it is. No matter what is going on... this is still OUR journey...

I woke up this morning, stared at the ceiling and realized that I am by myself, yet again.
ever wondered what it feels like to be thrown away? I have, and I guess this is what it feels like.
being "dumped" is always a bad feeling, only because you feel like you've been rejected and someone disapproves who you are and just doesn't want you anymore.
whenever I think about it, I see an image of a teddy bear, thrown to the side of the curb, in the rain. sad.

I can't stop wondering the effect I must have had on our relationship. what did I do, so bad, that he wants to be away from me in order to get things done. I had a conversation with Jeremy yesterday about how people often take things personally when they should just let things go. but this act of taking things personally derives from fear. i'm trying my hardest to not take thing personally and turn this into a game of holding grudges and hatred. i would like to think that this isn't one of those... i'm simply, again, supporting Chris and helping him in being better and making things happen. sometimes i get this feeling that I look up to him. sometimes I'm jealous of his wittiness and the potential that he has. He can make things happen and do anything his heart desires. Thinking about this, i guess it's hard not to put an equation on the situation... he perhaps does not desire me as much as I thought he did...
He has always had the final card.. this is the second time he has used it and I can't help but think that I'm just not the one he loves or wants and maybe he just doesn't know how to say it in a polite way. maybe i'm the slow one who's not getting the hint.

I'm a mess in my head and outside of my head. so many thoughts flying through my mind at 100 mph.  I want to quickly leave this feeling, but the feeling of unwanted may be here to stay...
they say "be mad. if he doesn't want you anymore, then don't let him know that you want him back because he didn't appreciate you in the first place"
I tell them that they don't understand. but how much do I actually understand about our situation?

I'm finding myself being sad all the time. I have no self motivation for anything. I know what I should be doing but I can barely get myself out of bed. yeah, I sound like a girl from some chick-flick. lame.

I cried myself to sleep last night, only too find my phone screen covered in tear stains this morning. And I wondered... why do I still want him? why am I sticking around? (you could call it waiting i suppose) because I love him. that's it. because at one point in our relationship, quite recently actually, I thought "this is it." how stupid of me eh?
I guess the reason why I'm still "waiting" is because of that little bitty sense of hope that I still have... hoping that we will, again, become something more then friends. something we both want.
[yes, the thought of it also makes me feel very pathetic.]
and I wonder, God, what kind of shitty plan is this!? jokes. but I do sincerely hope that we can both be better from this. and that we will come out of it together. Because I can't afford to lose him.

for now, I feel like dog poopoo.

Christopher, I hope you get a chance to read this. I still love you, so so much. I'd much rather hate you, at least i'd feel a little better for a few seconds... but I don't. I want what's best for you. I just really really really hope that in the end of all of this, I can still be your baby and you can still be mine.
trust that we can still succeed with each other in our arms.
trust that I am a big girl
trust that you have so much potential and you will succeed
trust that we ARE good for each other
trust that we are much stronger when we are together
trust that we, too, can have a happy ending
trust that our love will never fail
that's all I ask of you, to trust.