Goodbye.

funny how things turn out in life.

I've lost all faith in you. as a person. You really surprised me this time but at least I'm seeing the real you now and not later

Good luck to everything you do for the rest of your life. I'm sure it'll be grand.
I'll miss you but I'll make sure it doesn't last any longer then a month.

Goodbye Chris.

1 year

1 year ago...

we woke up an hour earlier then we needed to, walked for 2 blocks to a starbucks.
slightly nervous and awkward conversations because we liked each other.

that night, we snuck into the school football field and laid there watching stars, rolled around, and chased each other. we were carefree with no worries.

we stayed up all night (almost) talking and falling asleep sitting next to each other.
you stood behind me with your arms around me breathing into my neck

i still dream of that night. all the time.

I have to be honest... not getting a reply tonight really broke my heart.
There is so much going on and I am just so overwhelmed...
Definitely needing someone to help me relief some stress. actually, I just need you right now.
I need my best friend back so I can call him for 5 minutes and tell him how hard of a time I'm having
how I can't stop the stupid tears from coming out of my eyes as I type...
I'm trying my hardest to stay sane and well maintained.
But I am so close... so close to the edge and I don't know how much longer I will last.
sleeping has been extremely difficult with all sorts of nightmares .. with your face in them

you said that you don't want to lose me.
I want to be mad at your stubbornness. I want to just forget everything and move on...
but no matter how hard i try, I just can't leave.
I'm mad at myself for acting like this.
I hate crying by myself in my room
"what the hell am I doing? there he is, probably enjoying living with me out of the picture and here I am being a dumbass hoping that he'll look at me again"
I'm trying to not sound or feel desperate or devastated. But it seems to be impossible at the moment.
and I hate this feeling. I hate how it makes my stomach churn. I hate how it takes away everything that I have built up for myself.
I suppose at least next time I'll know not to let them in too deep

the days...

I didn't want to ever post anything on here again until this "thing" was over..
I'm not exactly sure where to start, I just know that I need to let it out.. so I can feel better.
There is a million things crossing my mind right now. and off the very top is me questioning "maybe this is my cue, it's time to take my final bow..."
all the memories I have shared with you all came at me, so quickly that I can barely register.. or breathe. I see the fun times we've shared.. I see sporadic pictures from all of our adventures from last summer.. I see the times when we cried in each others' arms. I see the times when I tried to be there for you on different occasions. I see the bad times we've had. I see us loving each other.. and finally, this montage ends with a slow-motion of me crying and you walking away.
I've given it all I have to refrain from texting you..
why? because I know that if you wanted to talk to me, you would've talked to me. But evidently, it's not something that you're doing. I heard and have seen that you're doing well and happy. I'm really glad. and at the same time, I can't help but be slightly jealous. Perhaps you just can't be happy with me. And in that case, it is my job to know when to leave because it is simply not creating happiness for you.. and it kills me. I've cried myself to sleep everyday so far. and it's been more then 2 weeks. you always say that you just wanted some time and that it's only been a few days.. look back and really look. it's been more then 2 weeks. it may not seem or feel like a long time because you've been preoccupied and in so many fun places. but me? I've rotated between working, practicing, eating, sleeping, sitting, and thinking. Let me just say that it is impossible for me to stop feeling like shit. and that's with me really trying. I'm not sure what to do at this point. maybe if i don't talk to you long enough I'll eventually be fine. or maybe not. I've decided to do whatever would make me happy. and it's talking to you. but that's really not an option for me right now, so we'll just move right along. 2.5 days felt like the longest time. I successfully occupied myself with catching up with Hector and had an extended conversation regarding why we all need someone or a group of people around because we're group oriented animals. And that to balance out the pressure and stress we manage to handle in life, the role of comfort is necessary.
And I honestly don't have an exact clue of what's going on. I miss you. that i am sure of. the rest is just a blur. I do want you to come back to me... and I don't know why we are going through this but as the days go by, I am only growing more doubtful and with more fear.

when the sun goes down...

isn't there a song that goes "the sun comes up... blah blah ... i'll never be the same..blah blah"


I suppose this has become one of my personal blogs... except it's the only one where I can spill my feelings out because no one reads this one..

every text message and phone call I receive... a little part of me hopes "maybe it's Chris" or "maybe he's finally thought of me"

nope. boy is being disappointed toxic.

question of the day: "trying to not exchange words with the person that I love... is that me trying to be strong? or am I just hurting myself."
it's not easy (and that's definitely an understatement). perhaps it's time for me to accept and move on?

we'll see. This feeling is familiar and I am anticipating.
But there are always so many questions. I guess I'll find out later...

for now, I will live my life with him living in a little space deep in my heart and behind my brain.

no title.

It's simple. I miss you.

I've had to exert all my energy to refrain myself from telling you that.
you left without saying good bye.
I hope you're enjoying your time with your family.
Facebook notifies me with your mom's postings. at least you look happy, it makes me less worried.

I've been waking up from my own hysterical cries in my dreams.
now I have bags under my eyes. ew (:p)

I miss you. so freakin' much.

that is all.

us

This... is us.

wonder

I miss him. So dearly.
after our conversation yesterday, it didn't get any easier.

once again, I cried like a little baby for way too long, by myself, in bed.
I cried for so long when I stopped, I had to think about why I started crying in the first place.

He makes me happy. His existence makes me happy. "us" makes me happy.
Knowing that we are okay has always brought me comfort and a sense of calm.
A part of me is angry and confused. Why is this happening?
and maybe we will never figure that one out... but that's okay, because we all change
we change when our surroundings change. We learn to adapt, but sometimes, we experience frustration prior to adapting because we are so eager and uncomfortable with where we are.

Deep down, I know we will be okay. But everything feels unstable like I might fall off any second. Our brief conversation today brought me a little peace. I miss him. I miss having everything in its right place and enjoy happiness with him. living my life with him in it.

When I woke up this morning, all I felt was my dried tears on my cheeks and a thought
"I should just forget about it. all of it"
but I can never do that.

Going on a trip will be beneficial, I hope.
I sincerely hope that it will bring him peace and relaxation. Part of my sadness comes from knowing that he's also going through a hard time.

stronger... ?

last night, I gave in... maybe watching an emotional movie before going to bed is not an appropriate choice of activity for me right now...

yes, it's silly and childish... but I can't lose. I guess so far, I have been losing.

waking up and falling asleep are the hardest times of the day for me.
waking up from a series of dreams with Chris in them... I often have to double check to make sure that it wasn't real. because oh how I would love for that to be real.
falling asleep is almost like making a conscious decision to enter my dreams.
They're always lovely and full of surprises... the things that our brains can do...

still praying...


When you're dreaming with a broken heart 
The waking up is the hardest part 
You roll outta bed and down on your knees 
And for the moment you can hardly breathe 
Wondering was she really here? 
Is she standing in my room? 
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.... 


there's a little voice that talks over my dreams everyday. I'm heart broken.
maybe, i'm pretending to be strong...
"you think if he actually loves you as much as he said, he'd be doing this right now? something completely selfish and only putting himself in the equation? all he cares about is being successful, but without you in it. wake up"

still on the journey

I read the first blog post.
"this is our journey"
yep, you bet it is. No matter what is going on... this is still OUR journey...

I woke up this morning, stared at the ceiling and realized that I am by myself, yet again.
ever wondered what it feels like to be thrown away? I have, and I guess this is what it feels like.
being "dumped" is always a bad feeling, only because you feel like you've been rejected and someone disapproves who you are and just doesn't want you anymore.
whenever I think about it, I see an image of a teddy bear, thrown to the side of the curb, in the rain. sad.

I can't stop wondering the effect I must have had on our relationship. what did I do, so bad, that he wants to be away from me in order to get things done. I had a conversation with Jeremy yesterday about how people often take things personally when they should just let things go. but this act of taking things personally derives from fear. i'm trying my hardest to not take thing personally and turn this into a game of holding grudges and hatred. i would like to think that this isn't one of those... i'm simply, again, supporting Chris and helping him in being better and making things happen. sometimes i get this feeling that I look up to him. sometimes I'm jealous of his wittiness and the potential that he has. He can make things happen and do anything his heart desires. Thinking about this, i guess it's hard not to put an equation on the situation... he perhaps does not desire me as much as I thought he did...
He has always had the final card.. this is the second time he has used it and I can't help but think that I'm just not the one he loves or wants and maybe he just doesn't know how to say it in a polite way. maybe i'm the slow one who's not getting the hint.

I'm a mess in my head and outside of my head. so many thoughts flying through my mind at 100 mph.  I want to quickly leave this feeling, but the feeling of unwanted may be here to stay...
they say "be mad. if he doesn't want you anymore, then don't let him know that you want him back because he didn't appreciate you in the first place"
I tell them that they don't understand. but how much do I actually understand about our situation?

I'm finding myself being sad all the time. I have no self motivation for anything. I know what I should be doing but I can barely get myself out of bed. yeah, I sound like a girl from some chick-flick. lame.

I cried myself to sleep last night, only too find my phone screen covered in tear stains this morning. And I wondered... why do I still want him? why am I sticking around? (you could call it waiting i suppose) because I love him. that's it. because at one point in our relationship, quite recently actually, I thought "this is it." how stupid of me eh?
I guess the reason why I'm still "waiting" is because of that little bitty sense of hope that I still have... hoping that we will, again, become something more then friends. something we both want.
[yes, the thought of it also makes me feel very pathetic.]
and I wonder, God, what kind of shitty plan is this!? jokes. but I do sincerely hope that we can both be better from this. and that we will come out of it together. Because I can't afford to lose him.

for now, I feel like dog poopoo.

Christopher, I hope you get a chance to read this. I still love you, so so much. I'd much rather hate you, at least i'd feel a little better for a few seconds... but I don't. I want what's best for you. I just really really really hope that in the end of all of this, I can still be your baby and you can still be mine.
trust that we can still succeed with each other in our arms.
trust that I am a big girl
trust that you have so much potential and you will succeed
trust that we ARE good for each other
trust that we are much stronger when we are together
trust that we, too, can have a happy ending
trust that our love will never fail
that's all I ask of you, to trust.

Fog

Sometimes, we are blinded by what's put right in front of our eyes

We get so caught up in a whirlwind of things that push our buttons

they skew our visions. The visions we both had for us.

"us" is still something purely amazing. It never changed. It didn't betray us.

We simply have yet to look through the fog.

and we will.

deep down, under all the dirt, there is still faith. a lot of it.

we ARE above this. we are better then this.

a part of me is doubtful and scared. naturally, we want to protect ourselves, especially when we've made ourselves vulnerable.

The importance is knowing that we are both vulnerable. That's also the beauty of this; we're in this together. We've entered a whole new world that only belongs to us and we will continue to build upon it, together.


baby, i love you so much
yes, this is a rough time for the both of us
I'm sorry for the hard times i've put you through
We still want this. badly.
let us continue to work towards it together.
I am still here for you and for us.
I will support you completely, still.
communication is key.
we can definitely do this.
we're too smart for this to ruin something amazing we have.