Goodbye.

funny how things turn out in life.

I've lost all faith in you. as a person. You really surprised me this time but at least I'm seeing the real you now and not later

Good luck to everything you do for the rest of your life. I'm sure it'll be grand.
I'll miss you but I'll make sure it doesn't last any longer then a month.

Goodbye Chris.

1 year

1 year ago...

we woke up an hour earlier then we needed to, walked for 2 blocks to a starbucks.
slightly nervous and awkward conversations because we liked each other.

that night, we snuck into the school football field and laid there watching stars, rolled around, and chased each other. we were carefree with no worries.

we stayed up all night (almost) talking and falling asleep sitting next to each other.
you stood behind me with your arms around me breathing into my neck

i still dream of that night. all the time.

I have to be honest... not getting a reply tonight really broke my heart.
There is so much going on and I am just so overwhelmed...
Definitely needing someone to help me relief some stress. actually, I just need you right now.
I need my best friend back so I can call him for 5 minutes and tell him how hard of a time I'm having
how I can't stop the stupid tears from coming out of my eyes as I type...
I'm trying my hardest to stay sane and well maintained.
But I am so close... so close to the edge and I don't know how much longer I will last.
sleeping has been extremely difficult with all sorts of nightmares .. with your face in them

you said that you don't want to lose me.
I want to be mad at your stubbornness. I want to just forget everything and move on...
but no matter how hard i try, I just can't leave.
I'm mad at myself for acting like this.
I hate crying by myself in my room
"what the hell am I doing? there he is, probably enjoying living with me out of the picture and here I am being a dumbass hoping that he'll look at me again"
I'm trying to not sound or feel desperate or devastated. But it seems to be impossible at the moment.
and I hate this feeling. I hate how it makes my stomach churn. I hate how it takes away everything that I have built up for myself.
I suppose at least next time I'll know not to let them in too deep

the days...

I didn't want to ever post anything on here again until this "thing" was over..
I'm not exactly sure where to start, I just know that I need to let it out.. so I can feel better.
There is a million things crossing my mind right now. and off the very top is me questioning "maybe this is my cue, it's time to take my final bow..."
all the memories I have shared with you all came at me, so quickly that I can barely register.. or breathe. I see the fun times we've shared.. I see sporadic pictures from all of our adventures from last summer.. I see the times when we cried in each others' arms. I see the times when I tried to be there for you on different occasions. I see the bad times we've had. I see us loving each other.. and finally, this montage ends with a slow-motion of me crying and you walking away.
I've given it all I have to refrain from texting you..
why? because I know that if you wanted to talk to me, you would've talked to me. But evidently, it's not something that you're doing. I heard and have seen that you're doing well and happy. I'm really glad. and at the same time, I can't help but be slightly jealous. Perhaps you just can't be happy with me. And in that case, it is my job to know when to leave because it is simply not creating happiness for you.. and it kills me. I've cried myself to sleep everyday so far. and it's been more then 2 weeks. you always say that you just wanted some time and that it's only been a few days.. look back and really look. it's been more then 2 weeks. it may not seem or feel like a long time because you've been preoccupied and in so many fun places. but me? I've rotated between working, practicing, eating, sleeping, sitting, and thinking. Let me just say that it is impossible for me to stop feeling like shit. and that's with me really trying. I'm not sure what to do at this point. maybe if i don't talk to you long enough I'll eventually be fine. or maybe not. I've decided to do whatever would make me happy. and it's talking to you. but that's really not an option for me right now, so we'll just move right along. 2.5 days felt like the longest time. I successfully occupied myself with catching up with Hector and had an extended conversation regarding why we all need someone or a group of people around because we're group oriented animals. And that to balance out the pressure and stress we manage to handle in life, the role of comfort is necessary.
And I honestly don't have an exact clue of what's going on. I miss you. that i am sure of. the rest is just a blur. I do want you to come back to me... and I don't know why we are going through this but as the days go by, I am only growing more doubtful and with more fear.

when the sun goes down...

isn't there a song that goes "the sun comes up... blah blah ... i'll never be the same..blah blah"


I suppose this has become one of my personal blogs... except it's the only one where I can spill my feelings out because no one reads this one..

every text message and phone call I receive... a little part of me hopes "maybe it's Chris" or "maybe he's finally thought of me"

nope. boy is being disappointed toxic.

question of the day: "trying to not exchange words with the person that I love... is that me trying to be strong? or am I just hurting myself."
it's not easy (and that's definitely an understatement). perhaps it's time for me to accept and move on?

we'll see. This feeling is familiar and I am anticipating.
But there are always so many questions. I guess I'll find out later...

for now, I will live my life with him living in a little space deep in my heart and behind my brain.

no title.

It's simple. I miss you.

I've had to exert all my energy to refrain myself from telling you that.
you left without saying good bye.
I hope you're enjoying your time with your family.
Facebook notifies me with your mom's postings. at least you look happy, it makes me less worried.

I've been waking up from my own hysterical cries in my dreams.
now I have bags under my eyes. ew (:p)

I miss you. so freakin' much.

that is all.

us

This... is us.